Attraction and Vocabulary

Types of Attraction and Related Terminology

No one can tell you your orientation but yourself. I know that is difficult, but no one knows you better. Just do the best you can do with the information you have, and how you feel presently. Don’t stress about it, it’s all okay, there’s no wrong way to be an orientation.

(Note about gender preferences at the bottom.)

(Note about types of asexuality at the bottom.)

**Asexuality is simply lacking sexual attraction.**

Sexual Attraction is, at its most basic, the feeling one experiences where they want to engage in sexual activities with a certain person(s). This feeling is an unconscious response that usually occurs due to physical and/or emotional factors related to the other person(s).

Many people have described it as a feeling of wanting to physically have sex with that person, or doing something which they equate to sexual attraction. (However, it is important to keep in mind that it is possible to be aroused by stimulation or sexual imagery but not experience attraction to a person.)

• Primary Sexual Attraction is the first impression sexual attraction. You can have it for anyone, more usually due to appearance but can be because of other reasons such as personality, for example.

• Secondary Sexual Attraction is an attraction that develops after an emotional bond has been established. (Demisexuals experience this.)

There are differences between sexual attraction, sexual desire, and sexual urge: (Many people do not agree with splitting attraction and desire, because it makes it complicated and confusing, which I can see, but an explanation for the use of this term is in the definition.)

• Sexual Attraction is a (relatively unconscious) reaction to seeing and/or interacting with a person in which you would want to engage in sexual activities with them.

• Sexual Desire (This term is used on this blog in context of wanting to engage in sexual activities for reasons that are, mostly, not directly related to arousal. This term is debatable in whether it should be used.) It is possible for asexuals to want to engage in sexual activities. Whether it be for their own physical and/or emotional enjoyment, or to please their partner, or some other sort of reason.

• Sexual Urge/Arousal has more to do with you body’s own reaction/biological response. Sexual urge/arousal is generally a physiological response and is something more like a need to engage in sexual activities rather than a want to engage in sexual activities. Can be brought on by physical stimulus or the thought of sexual scenarios, for example.

[A (personal) description of experiencing sexual attraction by fuckyeahsexeducation: (x) Please note that this is a personal description and not universal for everyone.]

Aesthetic Attraction is being attracted to someone’s physical appearance, without a sexual component.

Common descriptions of experiencing aesthetic attraction are appreciating a sunset or a painting, or wanting to draw that person.

Sensual Attraction is the attraction one feels to engage in sensual, usually tactile, forms of affection and/or intimacy with someone (that lacks sexual intent). Depending on personal opinion, can include kissing and similar actions.

Note: Sensual attraction is not always romantic in nature.

Romantic Attraction is a feeling that causes people to desire a romantic relationship with a specific other person (or persons).

Note: What romantic attraction feels like, or what makes a relationship romantic is impossible to define and really depends on personal distinction and experience.

• Secondary Romantic Attraction is not a term used often, but secondary romantic attraction has been described as being open to the idea of a relationship if the opportunity for one presents itself.

Aromantics can experience secondary romantic attraction, since the attraction is to that of the idea of a relationship rather than a person.

Difference between romantic and secondary romantic:

Romantic and secondary romantic attraction may look the same, but the important difference is that romantic attraction is attraction to a person that results in them wanting to be in a relationship, while secondary romantic is simply the attraction to being in a relationship, without being attracted to a specific person in mind.

Note: Just as asexuals can engage in sexual activities without experiencing attraction, aromantics can be engaged in typically romantic relationships; they simply won’t feel romantic attraction to the person(s) they are engaged in one with.

Queerplatonic The best definition of queerplatonic can be found here: (x).

Note: Anyone of any sexual/romantic orientation can experience a queerplatonic bond and be involved in a queerplatonic relationship.

Squish is an “aromantic crush”. It is the intense feeling of wanting to form a platonic bond, become best friends with, or become platonically closer to a person.

Note: Anyone of any sexual/romantic orientation can experience a squish.

Orientations:

Gray/Grey Asexual (aka Gray-A/Grey-A,Gray-Ace/Grey-Ace): The most common definitions are someone who only occasionally or rarely experiences sexual attraction, or under very specific circumstances. Can also refer to experiencing a very weak attraction, an attraction that is unsure to be sexual, or they are unsure if they are asexual or not, and also has also been used to refer to those with an unusually low sex drive (x) (Part of the spectrum, and tend to -though not always- relate to asexual experiences.)

Demisexual: Someone who does not experience sexual attraction until a strong emotional connection is formed with the individual. (The emotional connection is not inherently romantic.) Considered in the gray area of the spectrum, though not all gray asexuals are demisexual. (x)

Aromantic: Someone who does not experience romantic attraction. (Not inherently asexual. Romantic and sexual orientations can differ.)

Gray/Grey Romantic: Someone who only occassionally or rarely experiences romantic attraction, usually under very specific circumstances. (In the spectrum, and tend to -though not always- relate more to aromantic experiences.)

Demiromantic: Someone who does not experience romantic attraction until a strong emotional connection is formed with the individual. Considered in the gray area of the spectrum, though not all gray romantics are demisexual.

Lithromantic: Someone who experiences romantic attraction, but does not desire reciprocation. Additional resource here: (x)

Note: this is not an attraction but an orientation.

How can you recognize/describe romantic attraction? What are the differences between romantic/platonic/queerplatonic feelings?

Questions like these are ones that I cannot and will not definitively answer. I do not think that the differences and aspects of each type of bond cannot be quantified in a way that is universal to every single person or exclusive to that type of bond.

What makes things romantic/platonic/or queerplatonic is a personal distinction and cannot be told what it is by a second party with any amount of certainty.

Not every aspect of each bond is mutually exclusive to another. For example, romantic attraction is often described as wanting to be someone’s best friend, but also wanting to kiss and cuddle them. Some people want to kiss and cuddle their best friends, without experiencing a romantic attraction, and some people are romantically attracted but don’t want to kiss and cuddle.

I do not think that anyone can answer these questions definitively, and if anyone does and claims to be correct, I encourage you to take their advice with a grain of salt.

Slang and symbolism:

Ace or ase is slang for asexual.

Aro = aromantic.

Demi = demisexual or demiromantic.

Gray/grey or gray-a/grey-a = gray asexuals or grey aromantics.

Lith or lithro = lithromantics.

For symbols such as the flag, rings, or cake see the bottom of this page: (x)

Gender preferences and prefixes:

There can be a gender preference with any form of attraction (such as the ones listed above).

They can also ‘conflict’ or ‘not line up’. For example, you can be a heteroromantic(/heteromantic) homosexual, or a panaesthetic asexual, or any variation thereof.

Common prefixes are (definitions written in the context of attraction):

andro- attraction to masculine qualities

gyne/gyno- attraction to feminine qualities

androgyne/androgyno- attraction to androgynous qualities

hetero- attraction to an opposite gender

homo- attraction to the same or a similar gender

bi- attraction to two genders (usually including a similar and an opposite gender, not always) [does not inherently refer to binary genders]

poly- attraction to more than two but less than all genders

pan- attraction to all genders or potentially all people regardless of gender

“Types” of Asexuality (and other terms):

These are not the only “types” of asexuality nor does everyone who identifies with these terms adhere strictly to these definitions, nor are these in common use, this is just to illustrate the diversity of attitudes people can have as asexuals, since it is not a homogenous group. This is just information to help those who would like to be specific.

Indifferent asexual- an asexual who has neither a desire to engage in sex nor any particular revulsion toward it that would cause them to want to avoid it. Basically, they are neutral about the idea of personally engaging in sexual activities.

(Sex-)Averse asexual- an asexual who would rather avoid engaging in sexual activities, but is not quite disgusted by it.

(Sex-)Repulsed asexual- an asexual who wants to avoid engaging in sexual activities and is uncomfortable or repulsed by them.

Nonlibidoist- an individual who doesn’t have a sex drive and therefore does not experience sexual urges or arousal. Nonlibidoists are not always asexual, or identify as such. (x)

Note: Being averse or repulsed does not necessarily mean that the individual is anti-sex (as in not sex-positive), it is simply related to how the individual personally feels about engaging in sexual activities themselves. You can be a(n) averse/repulsed asexual and still be sex-positive.