"We mistake sex for romance. Guys are taught that pushing a girl up against a wall is romance. Sex is easy; you can do it with anyone, yourself, with batteries. Romance is when someone you like walks into a room and they take your breath away. Romance is when two people are dancing and they fit together perfectly. Romance is when two people are walking next to each other and all of a sudden they find themselves holding hands, and they don’t know how that happened."

John C. Moffi (via implicities)

(via bemusedlybespectacled)

@3 years ago with 3191 notes
#quote #romance #love #sex #relationships 

A PSA About Asexuality and Aromanticism

outlawroad:

Dear World,

Please take note of the following facts about asexual and aromantic people.

——

Asexuality is an orientation based on the lack of sexual attraction to other humans beings.

This means asexual people never look at other human beings and experience an arousal response or a desire to have sex with them.

That is all it means.

Some asexual people still have a sex drive and some don’t.

Some asexual people masturbate and some don’t.

What do we think of when we masturbate? Usually nothing. A lot of us use pornographic material to become physically aroused when we feel the urge to masturbate.

Why would we masturbate when we’re asexual? Because being asexual means we don’t experience sexual attraction, not that we have no sex drive. Those of us who have a sex drive lack any connection of that drive to attraction. But we still gotta take care of our physical need for sexual release.

Asexual men exist.

Asexual people have romantic orientations. We can be hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, or aromantic. This means some of us can feel romantic feelings, just like sexual people, but some of us are aromantic and don’t feel romantic feelings for anyone.

Romantic asexuals want romantic relationships. They feel romantic love. They want companionship. They just don’t want the sex.

Aromantic people—whether sexual or asexual—still have emotions and a desire to connect to others. They value relationships. They want and need and enjoy friendship and family. Many of them want to have a life partner or partners. They just don’t feel romantic love or attraction. Romantic love is not the only form of love that exists. Therefore, aromantic people still love. 

Some sexual people are aromantic too.

Being aromantic doesn’t make you a sociopath, anti-social, heartless, misanthropic, or cool with being forever alone.

Being aromantic does not solve all your problems.

Being asexual does not solve all your problems.

Some asexual people have sex. Some don’t.

Some asexual people feel neutral about participating in sex. Some feel repulsed by the idea.

Asexual people who have sex make that choice for any number of reasons: they’re curious, they’re romantically involved with someone sexual, or maybe they like it.

Asexual people can like sex for what it is: a physically pleasurable activity. Our bodies are usually fully functional. We can get aroused in the right circumstances. We can orgasm. What we lack is the attraction to people, which motivates you to actively seek out sexual partners.

Asexuality is not celibacy or abstinence. If you choose not to have sex because of religious reasons, personal reasons, health reasons, or whatever, but you still experience sexual attraction to others, you are celibate. You cannot choose to be asexual. Asexuality is an orientation. You are or you aren’t.

Being asexual is not the equivalent of never dating anyone.

Many asexuals and aromantics like nongenital physical affection. We like hugs, we like cuddles, we like holding hands, we like back rubs, we like kisses to varying degrees, etc.

Some don’t.

Just in case you’ve already forgotten: asexual men exist.

Some asexuals are polyamorous. Some are monogamous. Some don’t give a shit and just do their relationships however the hell they want.

Some asexuals are willing to date sexual people and let their sexual partners have sex outside the relationship. Some asexuals are not okay with this. If you want to know about a particular asexual’s feelings on the matter, ask.

Some asexuals like snogging. Some really, really don’t. Yes, there are romantic asexuals who don’t like kissing with tongue; they’re still romantic. If you want to know about a particular asexual’s feelings on this matter, ask.

Some asexuals have a history of sexual abuse. They can still be legitimately asexual.

Some asexuals struggle with mental illness, physical disability, mental disability, or disease. They can still be legitimately asexual.

And even if someone identifying as asexual is only circumstantially asexual based on one of the aforementioned conditions, they still have the right to use the identity if it suits them, as long as it suits them. It is not your business WHY they are what they are or why they’re using this particular identity.

Some people in the asexual community are demisexual. This means they experience only secondary sexual attraction, as a result of romantic or emotional connection with a particular individual or individuals. They never feel sexual desire for strangers, celebrities, or people they don’t know well/aren’t comfortable around/etc. This is the way they are and have always been and always will be.

Some people in the asexual community are grey-asexuals. They’re somewhere in between totally asexual and totally sexual.

For the most part, the asexual community does not care about other people’s sex lives. As long as we aren’t involved, your sex life doesn’t matter to us.

Asexuals can still find people aesthetically attractive. Just because we find someone pleasing to our eye does not mean we want that person touching our genitals. Just because we don’t want anyone touching our gentitals does not mean we’re blind.

You cannot cure us with sex. It doesn’t matter how good you are at sex. It doesn’t matter how good you are as a person. It doesn’t matter how much you love us. It doesn’t matter how much we love you. It doesn’t matter if we enjoy sex. It doesn’t matter if we orgasm when we have sex. It doesn’t matter if we consent to it. We are asexual. We do not experience sexual attraction to anybody, and there is nothing you can do about it. Period.

Asexuality is not about the sexual act. It is about sexual attraction.

You cannot cure aromantic people by attempting to romance them or trying to  persuade them that romance is the pinnacle of human experience. First of all, it’s not. Second of all, aromantic people were born the way they are. You can’t choose to be aromantic. Aromantic people can’t choose to feel romantic attraction. It is what it is.

Mixed orientation sexuals exist. These are people whose romantic and sexual orientations differ from each other. There is nothing wrong or weird about this. All it means is you have an extra complexity in your romantic/sexual/emotional life.

Those of us who are asexual or aromantic are not looking to be fixed. We aren’t broken. We’re different. We don’t need your pity. We don’t need you to show us the light. We need you to respect us or get the fuck out.

And one more time: asexual men exist.

———

Thanks for your attention.

(via outlawroad-deactivated20130412)

@3 years ago with 5352 notes
#asexuality #sexuality #sex #love #romance #aromantic #asexual #visibility #education #relationships #demisexuality #gray-a #mixed orientation sexuals #lgbtq 

Dear World and Fandom: Not all love is sexual. Not all love is romantic. Not all life partnerships are romantic. You can be someone’s committed life partner even if neither one of you wants to fuck the other. You can be in love without sex. You can want to spend your life with someone you have no romantic or sexual attraction toward. You can want physical affection with someone for nonsexual or nonromantic reasons.

outlawroad:

That is all.

(via outlawroad-deactivated20130412)

@3 years ago with 231 notes
#fandom #love #relationships #romance #sexuality #asexuality #aromantic 

To Sexual People who Think Being Asexual is the Solution to Relationship Angst:

outlawroad:

(I’m posting this separately; it’s from a reblog I commented on.)

Being asexual isn’t the equivalent of being aromantic or celibate. Sure, some asexuals are also aromantic and some asexuals are celibate. But not all of us. I, for one, am romantic and celibate. Which means that if I were willing to put myself out there to form romantic relationships with sexual people (which I’m not), I’d have to constantly put up with The Sex Issue. Because I will never agree to do anything sexual of any kind. And let’s face it, most sexual people in the world expect sex in a monogamous romantic relationship. I don’t fault them for it, but obviously, I’m not compatible with any of those people, enough to warrant becoming emotionally/romantically entangled.

I want an asexual man for a romantic life partner. Which narrows my choices down to the 1 percent of humanity that’s asexual, then further narrows it to the percentage of asexuals who are male, then further narrows it to the percentage of asexuals males who are heteromantic, and of that pool—which is scattered all over the place—one of them’s gotta be a match to ME, the person, not just me the asexual.

Oh, yeah, and asexuals don’t exactly go around wearing t-shirts every day identifying themselves as asexual. So I have no way of knowing who is and who isn’t, in real life, unless I meet somebody formally and end up having a conversation about sexual orientation. I live my life assuming everybody around me is sexual until proven otherwise, so as far as finding a romantic match, it’s not like I look at all males as possibilities from which to make a selection. Because most of them are automatically disqualified for being sexual. And without resorting to the internet, I’m left to meet asexual men by chance—and not just meet them but actually discover they’re asexual. Some of them may not know they are, some of them may want to keep it a secret, and like I said before, not all asexual males are looking to be romantically involved with a female-bodied person or at all.

Fortunately, I’ve reached a place in my life where I’ve stopped caring if I’m romantically unattached for the rest of my life, but there was a time where I was making myself sick with depression. Despair I can’t describe to you. Totally suicidal. Mostly because I realized that being asexual in this sex-obsessed culture means, among other shit, getting left in the dust of your sexual friends’ wedding parades, in addition to the whole Romantic Relationship situation I’ve just described, and at 18 years old (I’m 21 now), the thought of spending the rest of my life alone, unloved, without physical affection, and without anyone who understands me, chooses to stay with me, etc…. Well, it didn’t look really fuckin appealing, frankly.

During those misery times, I often thought: “You know, if only I were sexual just like everybody else, I wouldn’t have anything to worry about. I’d at least have a pretty good shot. I could date like everybody else and probably get married and blah blah blah.”

Granted, now, as a self-loving and self-confident person in touch with who I really am, I would never in a million fuckin years want to be like everybody else, am anti-marriage, think conventional dating’s stupid, etc.

But my point is, being asexual is not some magical antidote to relationship angst. In fact, it’s a pretty valid reason FOR relationship angst. (Not that I’m recommending it to my fellow aces, by the way.)

Even aromantic people often want some kind of life partner, though not romantic. Imagine what it must feel like to be in THAT position, in this society.

Pretty much, the only way to be forever free of relationship-related angst is to be something akin to a sociopath. Which might be fun, but it’s not something any of us can choose.

(via outlawroad-deactivated20130412)

@3 years ago with 42 notes
#asexuality #asexuals #love #relationships #romance #aromantic 
"We mistake sex for romance. Guys are taught that pushing a girl up against a wall is romance. Sex is easy; you can do it with anyone, yourself, with batteries. Romance is when someone you like walks into a room and they take your breath away. Romance is when two people are dancing and they fit together perfectly. Romance is when two people are walking next to each other and all of a sudden they find themselves holding hands, and they don’t know how that happened."
John C. Moffi (via implicities)

(via bemusedlybespectacled)

3 years ago
#quote #romance #love #sex #relationships 
Dear World and Fandom: Not all love is sexual. Not all love is romantic. Not all life partnerships are romantic. You can be someone’s committed life partner even if neither one of you wants to fuck the other. You can be in love without sex. You can want to spend your life with someone you have no romantic or sexual attraction toward. You can want physical affection with someone for nonsexual or nonromantic reasons.

outlawroad:

That is all.

(via outlawroad-deactivated20130412)

3 years ago
#fandom #love #relationships #romance #sexuality #asexuality #aromantic 
A PSA About Asexuality and Aromanticism

outlawroad:

Dear World,

Please take note of the following facts about asexual and aromantic people.

——

Asexuality is an orientation based on the lack of sexual attraction to other humans beings.

This means asexual people never look at other human beings and experience an arousal response or a desire to have sex with them.

That is all it means.

Some asexual people still have a sex drive and some don’t.

Some asexual people masturbate and some don’t.

What do we think of when we masturbate? Usually nothing. A lot of us use pornographic material to become physically aroused when we feel the urge to masturbate.

Why would we masturbate when we’re asexual? Because being asexual means we don’t experience sexual attraction, not that we have no sex drive. Those of us who have a sex drive lack any connection of that drive to attraction. But we still gotta take care of our physical need for sexual release.

Asexual men exist.

Asexual people have romantic orientations. We can be hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, or aromantic. This means some of us can feel romantic feelings, just like sexual people, but some of us are aromantic and don’t feel romantic feelings for anyone.

Romantic asexuals want romantic relationships. They feel romantic love. They want companionship. They just don’t want the sex.

Aromantic people—whether sexual or asexual—still have emotions and a desire to connect to others. They value relationships. They want and need and enjoy friendship and family. Many of them want to have a life partner or partners. They just don’t feel romantic love or attraction. Romantic love is not the only form of love that exists. Therefore, aromantic people still love. 

Some sexual people are aromantic too.

Being aromantic doesn’t make you a sociopath, anti-social, heartless, misanthropic, or cool with being forever alone.

Being aromantic does not solve all your problems.

Being asexual does not solve all your problems.

Some asexual people have sex. Some don’t.

Some asexual people feel neutral about participating in sex. Some feel repulsed by the idea.

Asexual people who have sex make that choice for any number of reasons: they’re curious, they’re romantically involved with someone sexual, or maybe they like it.

Asexual people can like sex for what it is: a physically pleasurable activity. Our bodies are usually fully functional. We can get aroused in the right circumstances. We can orgasm. What we lack is the attraction to people, which motivates you to actively seek out sexual partners.

Asexuality is not celibacy or abstinence. If you choose not to have sex because of religious reasons, personal reasons, health reasons, or whatever, but you still experience sexual attraction to others, you are celibate. You cannot choose to be asexual. Asexuality is an orientation. You are or you aren’t.

Being asexual is not the equivalent of never dating anyone.

Many asexuals and aromantics like nongenital physical affection. We like hugs, we like cuddles, we like holding hands, we like back rubs, we like kisses to varying degrees, etc.

Some don’t.

Just in case you’ve already forgotten: asexual men exist.

Some asexuals are polyamorous. Some are monogamous. Some don’t give a shit and just do their relationships however the hell they want.

Some asexuals are willing to date sexual people and let their sexual partners have sex outside the relationship. Some asexuals are not okay with this. If you want to know about a particular asexual’s feelings on the matter, ask.

Some asexuals like snogging. Some really, really don’t. Yes, there are romantic asexuals who don’t like kissing with tongue; they’re still romantic. If you want to know about a particular asexual’s feelings on this matter, ask.

Some asexuals have a history of sexual abuse. They can still be legitimately asexual.

Some asexuals struggle with mental illness, physical disability, mental disability, or disease. They can still be legitimately asexual.

And even if someone identifying as asexual is only circumstantially asexual based on one of the aforementioned conditions, they still have the right to use the identity if it suits them, as long as it suits them. It is not your business WHY they are what they are or why they’re using this particular identity.

Some people in the asexual community are demisexual. This means they experience only secondary sexual attraction, as a result of romantic or emotional connection with a particular individual or individuals. They never feel sexual desire for strangers, celebrities, or people they don’t know well/aren’t comfortable around/etc. This is the way they are and have always been and always will be.

Some people in the asexual community are grey-asexuals. They’re somewhere in between totally asexual and totally sexual.

For the most part, the asexual community does not care about other people’s sex lives. As long as we aren’t involved, your sex life doesn’t matter to us.

Asexuals can still find people aesthetically attractive. Just because we find someone pleasing to our eye does not mean we want that person touching our genitals. Just because we don’t want anyone touching our gentitals does not mean we’re blind.

You cannot cure us with sex. It doesn’t matter how good you are at sex. It doesn’t matter how good you are as a person. It doesn’t matter how much you love us. It doesn’t matter how much we love you. It doesn’t matter if we enjoy sex. It doesn’t matter if we orgasm when we have sex. It doesn’t matter if we consent to it. We are asexual. We do not experience sexual attraction to anybody, and there is nothing you can do about it. Period.

Asexuality is not about the sexual act. It is about sexual attraction.

You cannot cure aromantic people by attempting to romance them or trying to  persuade them that romance is the pinnacle of human experience. First of all, it’s not. Second of all, aromantic people were born the way they are. You can’t choose to be aromantic. Aromantic people can’t choose to feel romantic attraction. It is what it is.

Mixed orientation sexuals exist. These are people whose romantic and sexual orientations differ from each other. There is nothing wrong or weird about this. All it means is you have an extra complexity in your romantic/sexual/emotional life.

Those of us who are asexual or aromantic are not looking to be fixed. We aren’t broken. We’re different. We don’t need your pity. We don’t need you to show us the light. We need you to respect us or get the fuck out.

And one more time: asexual men exist.

———

Thanks for your attention.

(via outlawroad-deactivated20130412)

3 years ago
#asexuality #sexuality #sex #love #romance #aromantic #asexual #visibility #education #relationships #demisexuality #gray-a #mixed orientation sexuals #lgbtq 
To Sexual People who Think Being Asexual is the Solution to Relationship Angst:

outlawroad:

(I’m posting this separately; it’s from a reblog I commented on.)

Being asexual isn’t the equivalent of being aromantic or celibate. Sure, some asexuals are also aromantic and some asexuals are celibate. But not all of us. I, for one, am romantic and celibate. Which means that if I were willing to put myself out there to form romantic relationships with sexual people (which I’m not), I’d have to constantly put up with The Sex Issue. Because I will never agree to do anything sexual of any kind. And let’s face it, most sexual people in the world expect sex in a monogamous romantic relationship. I don’t fault them for it, but obviously, I’m not compatible with any of those people, enough to warrant becoming emotionally/romantically entangled.

I want an asexual man for a romantic life partner. Which narrows my choices down to the 1 percent of humanity that’s asexual, then further narrows it to the percentage of asexuals who are male, then further narrows it to the percentage of asexuals males who are heteromantic, and of that pool—which is scattered all over the place—one of them’s gotta be a match to ME, the person, not just me the asexual.

Oh, yeah, and asexuals don’t exactly go around wearing t-shirts every day identifying themselves as asexual. So I have no way of knowing who is and who isn’t, in real life, unless I meet somebody formally and end up having a conversation about sexual orientation. I live my life assuming everybody around me is sexual until proven otherwise, so as far as finding a romantic match, it’s not like I look at all males as possibilities from which to make a selection. Because most of them are automatically disqualified for being sexual. And without resorting to the internet, I’m left to meet asexual men by chance—and not just meet them but actually discover they’re asexual. Some of them may not know they are, some of them may want to keep it a secret, and like I said before, not all asexual males are looking to be romantically involved with a female-bodied person or at all.

Fortunately, I’ve reached a place in my life where I’ve stopped caring if I’m romantically unattached for the rest of my life, but there was a time where I was making myself sick with depression. Despair I can’t describe to you. Totally suicidal. Mostly because I realized that being asexual in this sex-obsessed culture means, among other shit, getting left in the dust of your sexual friends’ wedding parades, in addition to the whole Romantic Relationship situation I’ve just described, and at 18 years old (I’m 21 now), the thought of spending the rest of my life alone, unloved, without physical affection, and without anyone who understands me, chooses to stay with me, etc…. Well, it didn’t look really fuckin appealing, frankly.

During those misery times, I often thought: “You know, if only I were sexual just like everybody else, I wouldn’t have anything to worry about. I’d at least have a pretty good shot. I could date like everybody else and probably get married and blah blah blah.”

Granted, now, as a self-loving and self-confident person in touch with who I really am, I would never in a million fuckin years want to be like everybody else, am anti-marriage, think conventional dating’s stupid, etc.

But my point is, being asexual is not some magical antidote to relationship angst. In fact, it’s a pretty valid reason FOR relationship angst. (Not that I’m recommending it to my fellow aces, by the way.)

Even aromantic people often want some kind of life partner, though not romantic. Imagine what it must feel like to be in THAT position, in this society.

Pretty much, the only way to be forever free of relationship-related angst is to be something akin to a sociopath. Which might be fun, but it’s not something any of us can choose.

(via outlawroad-deactivated20130412)

3 years ago
#asexuality #asexuals #love #relationships #romance #aromantic