littlemissclio-deactivated20130 asked: I've been trying to find where I fit on the asexual spectrum for months. I only experience sexual attraction whenever it is with somebody who I have a VERY strong emotional connection to, so I would think I'd identify as demisexual. But here's the thing... my sexual attraction for the person I have a strong emotional attachment to is very random. Like, for a week or two I might be sexually attracted to my boyfriend and enjoy kissing him and doing other sexual things with him. [continued]

But suddenly it just turns off. I lose my sexual attraction for him. Kissing him becomes a chore, I can’t get in the mood for the life of me, it just doesn’t interest me at all. It can last anywhere from days to weeks or maybe even longer. So basically my question is, is this normal for a demisexual? Would gray-a be a better description of me even though my sexual attraction is ONLY for people who I have a strong emotional connection to? Does this sound like a health problem, not my sexuality?

Really, the only one who can determine that for yourself is you.

Since you say you only experience sexual attraction to those you’re emotionally connected with, I’d personally say that demisexual fits you, despite it not happening sometimes. I don’t think frequency really matters with that.

I am not demisexual, and I can’t say if anyone else has experiences with this, however I’m sure there are.

I shouldn’t think that it’s unheard of that sexual attraction fluctuates, though. I don’t think it would have anything to do with health, but if you have a genuine concern I wouldn’t encourage you to ignore it.

Does this happen to anyone else?

-Griff

Anonymous asked: Can you explain what "romantic attraction" is? Every time someone asks "what are aromantics?" the answer is always "people who don't feel romantic attraction", but I never find a definition for what, exactly, romantic attraction is. Could you provide an example?

I will be completely honest with you: I can’t. I have no idea. And I actually don’t think anyone really knows how to describe it. I have searched a lot and have never come across one definitive or satisfactory definition.

I myself identify as aromantic, and I still do not understand what romantic attraction is or feels like. (Which I think is why I chose aromantic, because surely I’d recognize it if I felt it, right? I don’t know.)

Some people say that it is like friendship, but with sex; however, this completely erases romantic asexuals, or even aromantic sexuals, and so I don’t think this is a valid description at all.

Some people say that it is the desire to form an exclusive, life-long relationship with someone, but this also is problematic with the concept of queerplatonic/platonic/polygamous relationships.

Some people say “it’s when you keep eye-contact, want to be with/think of/talk to or about them all the time, plan to be married, etc” but I do not believe these behaviors to be exclusively romantic, and again these are behaviors and as has been said: behavior is not attraction.

I think that the only one who can really determine romantic attraction is yourself, and what you would consider it to be, which I understand is probably a completely unhelpful non-answer.

I believe that it would be useful to see other people perspectives on romantic attraction, so what do you guys personally consider romantic attraction? The more input the better. (But again, take everyone’s thoughts with a bit of salt, because they may not be applicable to you.)

-Griff

On the Privilege Denying Asexuals Meme

soapyboxen:

The Privilege Denying Asexuals meme has been floating on tumblr for a while, and it seems to me that the person who’s behind is either being deliberately obtuse, being incredibly bigoted, or perpetrating a troll. In the sidebar, there appears two obviously flawed statements:

Cisgender hetero* people are not queer, whether or not they are asexual.

What about cisgender heteroromantic bisexuals, are they queer? Asexuals are not hetersexual. Asexuals are asexual, which (when not using the umbrella definition) means they don’t feel sexual attraction towards people of either the same sex, the opposite sex, or any non-binary gender identity. Just because they can pass for another orientation if they’re not aromantic, doesn’t make them not asexual, any more than a bi person in a hetero relationship being able to pass as hetero makes them not bi.

Opinions are going to differ about whether asexuals can rightfully claim the label “queer”, and part of the problem is that the word is used different ways by different people even withing the LGBTetc movement. Some don’t use it at all, some define it as exclusively referring to gays, some use it for non-cis/non-straight individuals, and some use it more or less as a synonym for LGBTetc. Asexuals are usually considered to fall under the LGBTetc umbrella, and so for the latter definition of “queer”, asexuals would probably qualify, but not for any of the former.

“Demisexuality” is a bullshit “orientation” that is nothing more than thinly-veiled slut-shaming.

This statement ignores the difference between orientation and behavior. Oscar Wilde is widely considered to have been gay, but he had a wife and kids. Demisexuality is not slut shaming, because all it says about a person is whether they feel sexual attraction outside the context of a romantic relationship. It says nothing about their behavior. A person not having a sexual attraction towards people does not stop them from engaging in sex. A demisexual could have promiscuous sex with everyone they met, and they would still be demisexual - just as Oscar Wilde could have sex with his wife and still be gay. Orientation != behavior. Demisexuality is not passing judgement on the sexual behavior of non-demisexuals any more than heterosexuality is passing judgement on the sexual behavior of non-heterosexuals (and for the same reason. Namely, that one is an orientation is the other is behavior. It’s apples to oranges.)

As for the related charge (made elsewhere) that demisexuality is actually what’s expected of women in Western society, or is the default orientation of most people. This again confuses orientation and behavior. Celibacy != asexuality. Chastity != demisexuality. While “purity” or “chastity” may be the traditional ideal in the Western world, it is not the reality in practice, because the ideal does not magically change people’s orientations. The majority of women and men experience sexual attraction to others before getting to know a person. That doesn’t mean that they’re going to act on their feelings, and it’s not a bad thing if they do (And increasingly society has come to realize this, lingering Rape Culture and Slut Shaming notwithstanding.) All demisexuality means is that the person can’t feel attraction before romantic feelings have developed. In modern times, we live in a society that is both obsessed with and secretive about sex, and while demisexuals may not suffer oppression from the secretive elements of society (which seem to be the only elements that demi-denyers seem to care about), they certainly can experience oppression from the obsessive elements of society (the same elements that pressure people to lose their virginity at a certain age, or which say that all men ever think about is sex, or that the only purpose of female sexuality is to provide pleasure to men.) Whether the oppression demisexuals feel is worse or better than the oppression other groups feel is another question entirely from whether demisexuals are oppressed.

Okay I feel like I need to clarify a post that was submitted to me about demisexuality

Demisexual is when you experience sexual attraction to someone after you have gotten to know them on a deep and emotional level. That’s it!

There’s nothing else to it. I apologise for the major confusion regarding a submission, it was entirely my fault for not properly re-checking the content that was given, perhaps the amount of work I have is affecting my ability to really check and clarify these things.

Sincerest apologies everyone.

-Nick  

Demisexuality is not “I will only sleep with certain people when I really love them”

agenderace:

I will make this point, and tag it, as many times as is needed. Because seriously, THAT IS NOT DEMISEXUALITY. That is the societally accepted version of female behavior. Does that explanation fit certain, if not many, demis? Yes. Does that explanation fit all demis? NO. Does that explanation fit many people who are not demi? Yes. Does that explanation fit everyone who is not demi? No. There are many different patterns of behavior and attraction, among all different orientations. All of those (that do not hurt someone or otherwise violate consent issues or whatnot) are valid and normal.

Fighting to defend demisexuality as a valid orientation is not people wanting to be special snowflakes because they’re really normal but want a pretty label and flag. It’s about wanting it recognized that they experience sexual attraction in a way that is FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT to many or most people in the world. No one who is demi is automatically slutshaming because of their orientation. If an individual is a demi and slutshamer, then they are a demi AND a slutshamer. Two different things. You can be a demi and not slutshame. It is possible.

Demisexuality is about attraction. That’s it. Something in common with the asexual community and that lack of sexual attraction. Nothing at all about behavior. I am sure there are sex repulsed demisexuals out there, that will not have sex even if they do become attracted to someone. THEY ARE STILL DEMISEXUAL. My friend, the one who posts on here occasionally, has lots of casual sex and enjoys it, without being sexually attracted to the women she sleeps with. SHE IS STILL DEMISEXUAL.

BEHAVIOR IS NOT ATTRACTION. Please can we keep this in mind?

I love that

heliotitans:

I’m only writing my opinion on my tumblr, about asexuality, and just happens to have a reblog of a person telling me to “Shut the hell up”, adding something about that “just because you thought up a name for something doesn’t mean it’s a thing. I’m looking at you, demisexuals.”

And some other things I think are not worth a mention.

Ok, right, I love the internet.

Urgh, I don’t understand why someone would go out of their way to dismiss or erase a sexuality. Why bother?

(via heliotitans-deactivated20121011)

Did You Notice The URL Change?

demiisexualityyy:

This is because the new demisexuality tumblr has be created, and as this one will be deleted, it was better that the new one take the name (and easier for people who want to follow to find again) instead of having something else.

So go to www.demisexuality.tumblr.com and follow that one if you want info, stories and other ace, demi and grace (but more specifically the last two)-related things but no crap like what this blog has gone through.

The new demisexuality tumblr is not linked to this tumblr account.

I will probably still post for a few days, mostly reminders about the new tumblr, until the new tumblr gets all the posts from this one that should go there (like the ace winter party invite, and some of the non-drama posts from here that were well-liked), but then this site is being deleted.

Reblog this/let other people know about the change. I know a lot of people have stopped following the tags or even blocked them and won’t see this and even though I’ve posted a couple times that I was deleting this blog soon, I’m still getting new followers each day.

(Source: )