calamuscrest said: So I told someone I was asexual panromantic, and they completely flipped out- "everyone wants sex!" "no, there's only two genders!" etc., etc. Do you know of a way i could explain to them what i mean by asexual panromantic to them while keeping it short?

Unfortunately, there are always going to be arrogant people who won’t accept this, even with careful explanations.

The shortest way to explain to them would be that you are sexually attracted to no genders and romantically attracted to all, but it sounds like you might have already said something like that, if their response is anything to go by.

Explaining it to them and getting them to accept it are two different battles, and may not work at all. My best advice would be to direct them to asexual websites such as AVEN and, while wikipedia isn’t the best source, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity that might give them a good look that the idea of more than two genders is pretty prevalent.

I would be very careful about which sites you direct them to about the gender thing, though, because a lot of the sites refer to them as medical or psychological issues.

It’s always difficult to explain to people who don’t want to learn, so you should also know that you do not owe them any explanations or anything. So if you begin to become stressed if they refuse to accept anything you tell them, you don’t have to continue trying to persuade them.

If anyone knows of good sources (either about asexuality or gender identities) to share, please do.

-Griff

@2 years ago with 1 note
#calamus-crest #ask #coming out 

So i’ve noticed something recently…

iron-wang:

a lot of my close friends have been worry about coming out to people and how they’ll react. Coming out as gay, coming out as Trans etc. and how people will react to it. Maybe they’re worried that they’re friends won’t accept them, or that they’ll be pissed that they weren’t told before, one friend of mine is stressed because they don’t want their friends to think they’re been lying to them all this time.

And i’ve told them all the same thing, and i’m going to keep telling everyone the same thing.

When it comes to your sexuality, or your gender, You don’t have to tell anyone anything. 

Being someones friend does not mean you are entitled to know everything about them. Friends are people that you love enough to share things about you, because you trust them with yourself. Of course, this isn’t completely sound, you should probably tell your friends if you are dating one of them etc. But if someone gets angry at you for not telling them you are gay, or really a man, or don’t like sex, don’t stress. 

Like I said. You’re friends aren’t entitled to know about your gender or sexuality. A true friend will just be happy that you trusted them enough to share it, no matter how long it took. 

@2 years ago with 52 notes
#coming out 

Anonymous said: Aw, thank you for your answer about coming out to parents. My mum is always all about grandchildren, too. I don't know if I should tell her about me being asexual. I'm now in this, too. And I don't really feel the need to tell her that I'm not sexual, since this is my thing and I hate talking to parents about sex or non-sex for that matter. So yeah, don't really know what to do. Maybe I should tell her after all, honesty and all that.

Not a problem, I have no problem sharing personal details if they can help someone.

It is purely up to you. Honesty does not take precedence over your own comfort, remember that. Never feel like you’re obligated to come out, it’s only up to you, only if you want to simply for your sake and no one else’s.

-Griff

@2 years ago with 2 notes
#Anonymous #ask #asexual #asexuality #coming out 

Asexuality 101 - When should you come out?

Written by Stephanie Silberstein

Since asexuality is not as visible a sexual orientation as of March 2011, asexuals who want to date might find it difficult to find other asexuals. In addition, some asexuals enjoy some physical or even some sexual contact and might be happier with a sexual person than with another asexual. Although asexuals risk their affections being unrequited by some sexuals due to misunderstandings and differences in viewpoint, asexual/sexual pairings can work if the communication is good, so there is no reasons for asexuals to limit themselves to other asexuals if they do not want to.  

When it comes to dating sexuals, however, many asexuals worry about when they should come out as asexual.

Obviously, a serious, long-term relationship is not going to work if the asexual keeps hir sexual orientation hidden or secret. You may want to consider coming out on the first date, during a pre-date telephone or email conversation, or in any online dating profiles that you maintain. 

Some asexuals are reluctant to do this because they are afraid sexuals won’t give them a chance because of their asexuality. These fears are unrealistic and can actually hurt a relationship. People who don’t want to give asexuals a chance aren’t good partners for asexual persons in the first place. If you hide who you are, you’re going to be extra nervous or even paranoid that your partner somehow sees through you and knows you are asexual. First dates are nervewracking enough as it is; why add extra fear to the equation?  

Most importantly, keeping your asexuality to yourself so that you won’t be rejected sends you the wrong message. If you put your fear of rejection over expressing who you are, you internalize the message that something is wrong with being asexual, that it’s better to be sexual, that those people who may reject you are right to do so and you are wrong for not experiencing sexual attraction.

That doesn’t mean that you should blurt it out inappropriately or tell everyone you meet, but you certainly should consider coming out as soon as possible to potential romantic partners.

Here are a few things to keep in mind about coming out:

Ultimately, you are in charge of who you come out to. If you don’t feel comfortable coming out to a date, don’t, but ask yourself why you are uncomfortable and whether you really want to date a person that inspires this type of feeling in you. The more you come out to potential dates, the more comfortable you will feel inside your own skin – a quality that is very attractive to many people and will help you find the right partner(s) for you.

@2 years ago with 114 notes
#asexual #asexuality #coming out 

calamuscrest said: So I told someone I was asexual panromantic, and they completely flipped out- "everyone wants sex!" "no, there's only two genders!" etc., etc. Do you know of a way i could explain to them what i mean by asexual panromantic to them while keeping it short?

Unfortunately, there are always going to be arrogant people who won’t accept this, even with careful explanations.

The shortest way to explain to them would be that you are sexually attracted to no genders and romantically attracted to all, but it sounds like you might have already said something like that, if their response is anything to go by.

Explaining it to them and getting them to accept it are two different battles, and may not work at all. My best advice would be to direct them to asexual websites such as AVEN and, while wikipedia isn’t the best source, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity that might give them a good look that the idea of more than two genders is pretty prevalent.

I would be very careful about which sites you direct them to about the gender thing, though, because a lot of the sites refer to them as medical or psychological issues.

It’s always difficult to explain to people who don’t want to learn, so you should also know that you do not owe them any explanations or anything. So if you begin to become stressed if they refuse to accept anything you tell them, you don’t have to continue trying to persuade them.

If anyone knows of good sources (either about asexuality or gender identities) to share, please do.

-Griff

2 years ago
#calamus-crest #ask #coming out 

Anonymous said: Aw, thank you for your answer about coming out to parents. My mum is always all about grandchildren, too. I don't know if I should tell her about me being asexual. I'm now in this, too. And I don't really feel the need to tell her that I'm not sexual, since this is my thing and I hate talking to parents about sex or non-sex for that matter. So yeah, don't really know what to do. Maybe I should tell her after all, honesty and all that.

Not a problem, I have no problem sharing personal details if they can help someone.

It is purely up to you. Honesty does not take precedence over your own comfort, remember that. Never feel like you’re obligated to come out, it’s only up to you, only if you want to simply for your sake and no one else’s.

-Griff

2 years ago
#Anonymous #ask #asexual #asexuality #coming out 
So i’ve noticed something recently…

iron-wang:

a lot of my close friends have been worry about coming out to people and how they’ll react. Coming out as gay, coming out as Trans etc. and how people will react to it. Maybe they’re worried that they’re friends won’t accept them, or that they’ll be pissed that they weren’t told before, one friend of mine is stressed because they don’t want their friends to think they’re been lying to them all this time.

And i’ve told them all the same thing, and i’m going to keep telling everyone the same thing.

When it comes to your sexuality, or your gender, You don’t have to tell anyone anything. 

Being someones friend does not mean you are entitled to know everything about them. Friends are people that you love enough to share things about you, because you trust them with yourself. Of course, this isn’t completely sound, you should probably tell your friends if you are dating one of them etc. But if someone gets angry at you for not telling them you are gay, or really a man, or don’t like sex, don’t stress. 

Like I said. You’re friends aren’t entitled to know about your gender or sexuality. A true friend will just be happy that you trusted them enough to share it, no matter how long it took. 

2 years ago
#coming out 
Asexuality 101 - When should you come out?

Written by Stephanie Silberstein

Since asexuality is not as visible a sexual orientation as of March 2011, asexuals who want to date might find it difficult to find other asexuals. In addition, some asexuals enjoy some physical or even some sexual contact and might be happier with a sexual person than with another asexual. Although asexuals risk their affections being unrequited by some sexuals due to misunderstandings and differences in viewpoint, asexual/sexual pairings can work if the communication is good, so there is no reasons for asexuals to limit themselves to other asexuals if they do not want to.  

When it comes to dating sexuals, however, many asexuals worry about when they should come out as asexual.

Obviously, a serious, long-term relationship is not going to work if the asexual keeps hir sexual orientation hidden or secret. You may want to consider coming out on the first date, during a pre-date telephone or email conversation, or in any online dating profiles that you maintain. 

Some asexuals are reluctant to do this because they are afraid sexuals won’t give them a chance because of their asexuality. These fears are unrealistic and can actually hurt a relationship. People who don’t want to give asexuals a chance aren’t good partners for asexual persons in the first place. If you hide who you are, you’re going to be extra nervous or even paranoid that your partner somehow sees through you and knows you are asexual. First dates are nervewracking enough as it is; why add extra fear to the equation?  

Most importantly, keeping your asexuality to yourself so that you won’t be rejected sends you the wrong message. If you put your fear of rejection over expressing who you are, you internalize the message that something is wrong with being asexual, that it’s better to be sexual, that those people who may reject you are right to do so and you are wrong for not experiencing sexual attraction.

That doesn’t mean that you should blurt it out inappropriately or tell everyone you meet, but you certainly should consider coming out as soon as possible to potential romantic partners.

Here are a few things to keep in mind about coming out:

Ultimately, you are in charge of who you come out to. If you don’t feel comfortable coming out to a date, don’t, but ask yourself why you are uncomfortable and whether you really want to date a person that inspires this type of feeling in you. The more you come out to potential dates, the more comfortable you will feel inside your own skin – a quality that is very attractive to many people and will help you find the right partner(s) for you.

2 years ago
#asexual #asexuality #coming out