Anonymous asked: Okay, so this might sounds a little stupid, but do other people sometimes feel like everything is pointless? Society and the Media tell us every day, in every movie, every tv show, everything, that it's all about finding love, finding a partner, making a family, possibly to have kids. I will never have that and I don't even know. Sometimes it seems like my life is pointless. Is that common?

I do hear that is a pretty common mindset, unfortunately.

But it really is okay. Romantic love and relationships really aren’t everything, not even close. And I know that being faced with that sort of attitude in absolutely everything everywhere makes it really difficult to believe, but it really is true. Modern society is a very poisonous environment to be in for asexual and aromantic spectrum people, and many other GSM spectrum people, too. But there is far more to life than finding a partner and falling in love and starting a family, those aren’t parts of life that are for everyone.

There are definitely points beyond that.

I can’t really list any, because they are personal ideals that vary with each individual and there are few universal values. It will just take a bit of self-analysis to determine what it is for you that you want out of life.

But there is a point, you just have to determine what it is for yourself and not allow anyone else to tell you what it is for you.

-Griff

Anonymous asked: Can you explain what "romantic attraction" is? Every time someone asks "what are aromantics?" the answer is always "people who don't feel romantic attraction", but I never find a definition for what, exactly, romantic attraction is. Could you provide an example?

I will be completely honest with you: I can’t. I have no idea. And I actually don’t think anyone really knows how to describe it. I have searched a lot and have never come across one definitive or satisfactory definition.

I myself identify as aromantic, and I still do not understand what romantic attraction is or feels like. (Which I think is why I chose aromantic, because surely I’d recognize it if I felt it, right? I don’t know.)

Some people say that it is like friendship, but with sex; however, this completely erases romantic asexuals, or even aromantic sexuals, and so I don’t think this is a valid description at all.

Some people say that it is the desire to form an exclusive, life-long relationship with someone, but this also is problematic with the concept of queerplatonic/platonic/polygamous relationships.

Some people say “it’s when you keep eye-contact, want to be with/think of/talk to or about them all the time, plan to be married, etc” but I do not believe these behaviors to be exclusively romantic, and again these are behaviors and as has been said: behavior is not attraction.

I think that the only one who can really determine romantic attraction is yourself, and what you would consider it to be, which I understand is probably a completely unhelpful non-answer.

I believe that it would be useful to see other people perspectives on romantic attraction, so what do you guys personally consider romantic attraction? The more input the better. (But again, take everyone’s thoughts with a bit of salt, because they may not be applicable to you.)

-Griff

Anonymous asked: I'm asexual- and aromantic as far as I can tell. It was always there, but once I told my friend, she started acting different towards me. If I say something about her relationships she responds with things like, "You only think that because you're ace." or "You don't understand." I've started trying to just ignore her romantic relationships but it doesn't help that she's now in one with my brother. If I say anything regarding relationships are friendship gets shaky. Am I doing the right thing?

I’m not sure ignoring them is really going to work in the long run, especially since she’s in one with your sibling. That doesn’t get rid of the problem in the first place. It also seems the problem is more than her being in a relationship, it’s her disrespecting you and treating you differently. If you feel that you’re more comfortable ignoring them, though, go ahead, I know how difficult confrontations can be.

Communication is important, I think. Maybe try to just talk with her and tell her that you’re still the same person before you came out and that you’re starting to feel really bothered by her attitude towards you. Tell her that it’s not fair or right that she invalidates your opinions based on your orientation. Tell her how you feel she’s treating you. Let her know that you value her friendship, but that she’s being really disrespectful.

((If that doesn’t help though, I know it’s easy for me to say this, because I’m not emotionally involved here, but if she disregards your thoughts and opinions on the basis of your orientation and is treating you differently because of it, you might want to think about if your relationship with her is really worth that sort of stress and disrespect. No one should be treated like their orientation invalidates what they think.))

Friendships do get a bit rough when one gets into a romantic relationship, but I think communication can really help.

Does anyone else have any sort of thoughts or advice to offer?

-Griff

Help me figure this out? Submitting as a submit because it’s too long for a message.

Lately I’ve been wondering if I may be asexual and I was hoping that the mods at asexualeducation would help me classify what I am. Here goes…I’m a teenage girl, a virgin who has never been in a relationship, kissed anyone, or felt any desire to do either of those things. Years ago when I started middle school all my friends began to have crushes and go out with boys, but I never did. I was the only one out of my group that didn’t care about that stuff, and I wondered if maybe I was a lesbian and didn’t know it because I felt no attraction to boys. However, I did not feel attraction to girls, so I wrote it off as starting late with the whole attraction thing. Fast forward some time, and I’m in high school. I’ve still never felt romantic love towards another person, and I still have zero interest in a relationship or romance. But I do experience attraction towards famous males who don’t know I exist. It’s kind of in a “HNNG. You are sexy, I want to adult hug you.” way, not in a wanting to do it with them way. The idea of being touched is nice, but any kind of sex or sexual organs gross me out. I’ve never tried to simulate it, despite claims that “If you say you don’t touch yourself, you’re a liar. Everyone does.” I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve never done it with anyone, so I don’t know the feeling and have no desire or drive for it, or if I truly may be asexual. I feel that I am aromantic now because I have no desire for or feelings of romance, but that’s subject to change later in life, right? How do I tell if I am aromantic when I’ve never experienced romance to judge it? I know sexuality is fluid, and there is a lot of gray area in asexuality, but I don’t know much about asexuality, and I just hoped that you’d be able to help clear things up for me. 

Thanks for the help!

-anon

Holy cow, are you me? You’ve described pretty much everything I’ve gone through, and like you said, this is all very ambiguous so it really depends on what you feel comfortable with. No one can truly say 100% what you are except for you, but I will try to help.

Asexuality is really just feeling little to no sexual attraction. Whether or not you have experienced anything sexual is irrelevant as to whether you are asexual or not. If you look at people and don’t feel any desire to have sex with them, then you are asexual. Some asexuals don’t have a sex drive or desire, either, which some call nonlibidoist asexual (although that term doesn’t really seem to be used often anymore); so, like you’re saying you have neither experienced attraction nor drive/desire, there are asexuals like that. (Also, the whole “celebrity-adult-hug”- it is perfectly normal for asexuals to enjoy fantasizing, but never want to actually do it in real life.)

Now, romantic attraction is really very vague, I have yet to find anything that describes it clearly. And of course, if it’s hard to understand what it is, it’s difficult to determine whether you have experienced it or not. If you, like you said, think that you are currently aromantic, and are comfortable in identifying like that, then you are. Even if you begin to feel romantic attraction later on in life, you can still be aromantic right now (just as you said sexuality is fluid, romanticism is fluid as well). Your question of how to tell if you’re aromantic when you’ve never experienced romance to judge it, well that might answer your question, wouldn’t it? You have never experienced romantic attraction and an aromantic is someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction, so I think it would be reasonable for you to identify as such (if you feel comfortable) until you feel it no longer suits you. There is also “wtfromantic” which is for people who don’t feel that what they feel fits into the traditional idea of romance, so that is another option for you, as well.

Again, identification is a personal decision, so it really depends on what you feel is suitable, but I hope this gave you a bit of insight or another perspective to help you out.

-Griff

Anonymous asked: I've got a strange problem. I'm ace (romanticly and sexually) I've got a squish on one of my teachers. I would like to become friends with him (I'm female identified) however how do I become closer with him without seeming like I'm trying to make romantic advances?

I have no experience in this sort of thing, really. I’m not all that understanding of typical social cues, so I wouldn’t know what is taken as just friendliness or flirting.

And as always, it would depend on the person, because some people project and take even the slightest interest as romantic regardless of context.

I think just telling them that they seem pretty fun to be around and have enjoyable company. Maybe ask after them, like how their day was, if they had a nice weekend. Maybe engage in conversation (especially on topics you both enjoy). I think doing all of this could form a bond, depending on how receptive they are.

If you feel the need to specify it’s just friendship, no reason not to just say it out right. Perhaps not immediately, though, because some people are a bit put off by “I want to be your friend”, although sometimes that actually works, too. Again, it’s the individual.

I don’t know how to make friends How have all of you who have experienced squishes gone about them? This would be interesting to share your experiences about, and may help, too.

(Also, the term usually used for an aromantic is “aro”, ace would be the asexual bit.)

-Griff

Anonymous asked: I’m asexual- and aromantic as far as I can tell. It was always there, but once I told my friend, she started acting different towards me. If I say something about her relationships she responds with things like, “You only think that because you’re ace.” or “You don’t understand.” I’ve started trying to just ignore her romantic relationships but it doesn’t help that she’s now in one with my brother. If I say anything regarding relationships are friendship gets shaky. Am I doing the right thing?

bollocks-raptor:

asexualeducation:

I’m not sure ignoring them is really going to work in the long run, especially since she’s in one with your sibling. That doesn’t get rid of the problem in the first place. It also seems the problem is more than her being in a relationship, it’s her disrespecting you and treating you differently. If you feel that you’re more comfortable ignoring them, though, go ahead, I know how difficult confrontations can be.

Communication is important, I think. Maybe try to just talk with her and tell her that you’re still the same person before you came out and that you’re starting to feel really bothered by her attitude towards you. Tell her that it’s not fair or right that she invalidates your opinions based on your orientation. Tell her how you feel she’s treating you. Let her know that you value her friendship, but that she’s being really disrespectful.

((If that doesn’t help though, I know it’s easy for me to say this, because I’m not emotionally involved here, but if she disregards your thoughts and opinions on the basis of your orientation and is treating you differently because of it, you might want to think about if your relationship with her is really worth that sort of stress and disrespect. No one should be treated like their orientation invalidates what they think.))

Friendships do get a bit rough when one gets into a romantic relationship, but I think communication can really help.

Does anyone else have any sort of thoughts or advice to offer?

-Griff

Hello anon! One of my friends has been acting much the same way. It was very annoying and sometimes upsetting when she would basically say “You don’t understand because you can’t fall in love” or “Oh, you don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship so don’t bother trying to give me advice” and stuff like that, and exclude me from conversations about sex and relationships. (Not to mention I am not even aromantic!)

Eventually after she said something I simply spoke to her when we were alone and said as kindly as possible “Look, W, I know that I don’t understand your relationship with J, but I find it a little hurtful when you exclude me or act like I don’t see the world properly just because I don’t have the same sort of relationship with anybody. I’m still your friend and I’m not going to be grossed out if you talk about sex in front of me, so please don’t treat me differently.”

She’s quite a proud person, but she did pause for a while and then admit that she had been speaking a little thoughtlessly and said she would take that into consideration from now on. So, yeah, basically, communication communication communication! Good luck <3

(via kuuzuryuu)

Anonymous asked: I identify myself as aromantic and asexual. While I'm fine with going without sex for the rest of my life, I'm sort of uneasy about the thought of not being in a relationship. I'm not interested in having one and whenever someone asks me out, I offer my friendship instead. I think this uneasiness could be just be a result of me spending most of my life not understanding why I wasn't interested and trying to force myself. Idk. I wanted to know if there are any aromantics that feel this way

I am an aromantic asexual and also feel like this occasionally. It’s not all the time, but I definitely have my moments, and I sort of blame society’s emphasis on romantic relationships and the misconception that those who are single are sad or broken, which is completely untrue.

Anyone else?

-Griff

Welcome to Aromantics Anonymous!

aromanticsanonymous:

This is the blog dedicated to aromantics everywhere, of any sexual orientation.

What is an aromantic, though?

An aromantic is someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction. Other definitions can include someone who doesn’t feel the need for a romantic relationship, or who doesn’t feel their relationship(s) fit traditional romantic couplings. Generally speaking, aromanticism is a rather open ended orientation.

An aromantic is not someone who is socially deficient, shy, introverted, cold-hearted or damaged. They can be any or all of those things, but it has nothing to do with the aromantic label.

Isn’t an aromantic just an asexual person?

No, that is quite false. Oftentimes, people will conflate the stereotypes of asexuals with being aromantic. In fact, asexuality is a sexual orientation that describes a lack of sexual attraction, and this has nothing to do with ones romantic attraction. They are separate orientations. However, they can coincide.

Asexuals have a plethora of romantic orientations, just like sexual people. There are also sexual people who can be aromantic. People come in all sorts of combinations, and it’s a bit silly to defer to stereotypes to define them.

What about demisexuals? Can they be aromantic?

I’m not a gray-ace or a demisexual, but from descriptions other graces have given me, graces can be aromantic just like other sexual orientations. Because graces don’t always develop sexual attraction based on romantic attachments, it’s very much a possibility.

A demisexual is someone who develop sexual attraction towards a person based on romantic or emotional attraction, and a gray-ace is anyone who fits between the asexual-sexual spectrum, so they can be anything as well. It’s up to the specific person!

Okay, that’s all well and good, but aren’t sexual aromantics just sluts?

No. Absolutely not. This blog will not tolerate slut-shaming of any kind, and furthermore, a sexual aromantic is simply someone who feels sexual attraction without feeling romantic attraction. This doesn’t say they will be involved in promiscuous behaviour - and even if they were, is that really any of your business?

Sexual aromantics have just as valid an identity as you or me, and deserve all the respect you can give them.

Fine, but don’t you think it’s all a bit sad, I mean, never loving anyone?

No, I don’t at all. I love just as well as anyone loves. Current social attitudes place romantic love above all other forms of love, but that’s a false hierarchy. Anyone can love, even an aromantic, and just because someone doesn’t feel romantic attraction to someone doesn’t mean they don’t love that person any less.

Love is simply the ability to celebrate the existence of something, to cherish something above others … and that is something anyone can do. At it’s most base form, anyone can love, and they can love anything they like.

Loving people, and loving people romantically is not the be all and end all of existence - they are good things, yes, but no better than other forms of love.

Feel free to submit anything you wish to see published on this blog here.

If you have any questions, you may ask them here.