@3 years ago with 42 notes
(I’m posting this separately; it’s from a reblog I commented on.)
Being asexual isn’t the equivalent of being aromantic or celibate. Sure, some asexuals are also aromantic and some asexuals are celibate. But not all of us. I, for one, am romantic and celibate. Which means that if I were willing to put myself out there to form romantic relationships with sexual people (which I’m not), I’d have to constantly put up with The Sex Issue. Because I will never agree to do anything sexual of any kind. And let’s face it, most sexual people in the world expect sex in a monogamous romantic relationship. I don’t fault them for it, but obviously, I’m not compatible with any of those people, enough to warrant becoming emotionally/romantically entangled.
I want an asexual man for a romantic life partner. Which narrows my choices down to the 1 percent of humanity that’s asexual, then further narrows it to the percentage of asexuals who are male, then further narrows it to the percentage of asexuals males who are heteromantic, and of that pool—which is scattered all over the place—one of them’s gotta be a match to ME, the person, not just me the asexual.
Oh, yeah, and asexuals don’t exactly go around wearing t-shirts every day identifying themselves as asexual. So I have no way of knowing who is and who isn’t, in real life, unless I meet somebody formally and end up having a conversation about sexual orientation. I live my life assuming everybody around me is sexual until proven otherwise, so as far as finding a romantic match, it’s not like I look at all males as possibilities from which to make a selection. Because most of them are automatically disqualified for being sexual. And without resorting to the internet, I’m left to meet asexual men by chance—and not just meet them but actually discover they’re asexual. Some of them may not know they are, some of them may want to keep it a secret, and like I said before, not all asexual males are looking to be romantically involved with a female-bodied person or at all.
Fortunately, I’ve reached a place in my life where I’ve stopped caring if I’m romantically unattached for the rest of my life, but there was a time where I was making myself sick with depression. Despair I can’t describe to you. Totally suicidal. Mostly because I realized that being asexual in this sex-obsessed culture means, among other shit, getting left in the dust of your sexual friends’ wedding parades, in addition to the whole Romantic Relationship situation I’ve just described, and at 18 years old (I’m 21 now), the thought of spending the rest of my life alone, unloved, without physical affection, and without anyone who understands me, chooses to stay with me, etc…. Well, it didn’t look really fuckin appealing, frankly.
During those misery times, I often thought: “You know, if only I were sexual just like everybody else, I wouldn’t have anything to worry about. I’d at least have a pretty good shot. I could date like everybody else and probably get married and blah blah blah.”
Granted, now, as a self-loving and self-confident person in touch with who I really am, I would never in a million fuckin years want to be like everybody else, am anti-marriage, think conventional dating’s stupid, etc.
But my point is, being asexual is not some magical antidote to relationship angst. In fact, it’s a pretty valid reason FOR relationship angst. (Not that I’m recommending it to my fellow aces, by the way.)
Even aromantic people often want some kind of life partner, though not romantic. Imagine what it must feel like to be in THAT position, in this society.
Pretty much, the only way to be forever free of relationship-related angst is to be something akin to a sociopath. Which might be fun, but it’s not something any of us can choose.
#asexuality #asexuals #love #relationships #romance #aromantic