(In case you forget, this was my last message I sent you: I’m sure I’m aromantic, but I don’t think I understand it enough at all so I’m confused. I’ve only ever ever felt lust and friendship for someone. I mean, romantic attraction is still just an ATTRACTION, right? So like, I watch romance movies and I wish I could have a romantic relationship with someone, and I always feel like I can and do (maybe) have romantic attraction, but it gets easily confused with lust. Does this make any sense? If it doesn’t I can submit but do you think I’m aromantic?)
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My biggest problem is it’s so easy to confuse lust with romance. I always fall into relationships purely on lust, but when that withers away like lust usually does, I get completely stuck. I’ve always thought of myself as a hopeless romantic before even discovering what aromantics are, so when I see someone and I believe with all of my heart it is romantic attraction, it always happens to be lust.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve never ever ever had a pure, true romantic attraction to someone, but I don’t know if I’m incapable of doing so. Like I said, it’s not a true romantic attraction, because lust gets in my way so easily. Lust and squishes are the hardest things to mix together.
Hopefully this was explained better, asks always make it hard to send everything you want. I can always send this to an aromantic blog/forum, but I don’t follow any yet and I’ve known you guys for forever so it’s just a bit more comfortable I guess. Thank you!
A read more because the reply got sort of long.
(To recap on what I said in reply of that ask, just to be on the same page:
Romantic attraction is always the dodgiest thing for me to figure out, to be honest. The bit about wanting a relationship isn’t necessarily romantic attraction since anyone can want or be in a relationship (even aromantics). The attraction would come in to wanting one with a specific person, basically. So like, just like an asexual can have sex, an aromantic can be in a (typically-seen-as-romantic) relationship. (Which makes it confusing, I know.)
I think sending a submit might work better since this is a complicated nuanced issue and this ask is a bit too vague.
I might not be able to answer you immediately after I get it, though, depending on how much consideration it takes. I’ll try and do my best in answering what you’re confused about, but also I can’t really say whether you are aro or not.
-Griff)
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The thing about not identifying as aromantic because while you’ve never felt it but aren’t sure you can’t, is always sort of a problematic mindset. The fear of identifying as something and then discovering later that it doesn’t suit you anymore is a common fear but it shouldn’t dictate how you feel presently. And that is the main thing about identifying as anything, is that they are to describe how you see yourself presently. So if you don’t think that you have ever experienced romantic attraction (whatever that means to you), then there is no reason you shouldn’t identify as aromantic. It’s not a commitment, it’s just to make things easier for you.
There is also gray romantic/gray aromantic and wtfromantic (x), which you can always look at and consider, too.
The thing about you getting into a relationship based on lust and then discovering that you aren’t interested after all once that factor has been taken out of the equation could indicate you being aromantic, and the desire to be in a relationship and enjoying the thought of typically romantic activities doesn’t have anything to do with orientation.
However, something that stood out to me is your wording, especially your preoccupation with ‘pure’ and ‘true’ when regarding romantic attraction. The presence of lust cannot diminish the ‘purity’ of romantic attraction. There is no such thing as ‘pure’ or ‘true’ romantic attraction because that’s qualifying something that cannot (and should not) be qualified like that. I think how you are focusing on what you think lust takes away from is just muddying the waters even more for you and causing confusion. Lust and romance are not mutually exclusive just as they aren’t mutually inclusive. The presence or absence of lust does not diminish nor enhance any sort of romantic attraction.
Again, I can’t tell you whether you are aromantic or not, but from the way you are saying that you don’t think you have felt romantic attraction I see no reason for you not to identify as such or at least on the spectrum.
At the same time, since you seem preoccupied with the concept of lust in relation to romantic attraction it may be beneficial for you to reevaluate what you consider romantic attraction to be, too, and see if the way you view yourself still holds. (Sorry if that’s offensive or presumptuous, I just thought that the way you kept speaking of it was important.)
Also sorry if this is completely unhelpful, or if I put more meaning into your word choice than you meant and got sidetracked. If I was unclear in something or completely missed your point please don’t hesitate to say.
-Griff
@9 months ago with 4 notes#fabjewlous #aromantic #submission #also no matter what i tried the formatting got wonky with the italics sorry
