All these fancy words for ____sexual or ____romantic are confusing me! (I was originally going to post this to my own blog, but I figured here might be more helpful, so I just copy/pasted.)
On that note, I could just go without one, I guess, but that would be more tedious to explain than an obscure label. Then I’m seeing all this stuff about “mixed orientations,” which, so far, doesn’t help me at all.
Looking back, I think I am. Lithromantic, I mean. This is gonna sound really rambly, maybe contradictory, but… ah… Hrm. Like—
My parents are madly in love. Honestly, I’d say they’re Buttercup and Westley incarnate. They go on dates, the flirt with each other, they’re just so adorable together. I always think of Prince Humperdink saying, “You truly love each other. And so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance.”
Okay, then again, he was about to kill Westley when he said that (hence, “might have been”), but you get the idea.
And as you all know, I’m gaga for shipping. I—I’m pretty sure I have or do experience romantic feelings. But I really don’t care if I’m in a romantic relationship or not. I love the idea, though.
At the same time though, maybe I’m just scared. Because while I do like the idea of people in love, I don’t like the idea of me being in love. Or, with someone who loves me back. It gives me willies. (Though there’s a chance that’s my relatively low self-esteem talking.) Hm, it occurs to me now that I feel the same about sex and childbirth.
Childbirth I’m definitely scared of, I don’t need to think about that.
Sex and romanticism, however… I don’t think I would ever act on any thoughts or desires I might have, such as fetishes and such. There are asexuals with fetishes, so maybe I fall in there? Heck, there are some who even enjoy porn, but are still asexual.
Sometimes I wonder if we’re getting too open-minded. I’m sure I might offend someone, but I guess what I’m saying is—It’s just that there are so many categories, um…
I’m not even sure what I’m saying.
But then again, in light of recent events, I think my, let’s call it, aversion is more psychological.
See, I—like several other people in my family—have sensory integration issues and so I detest being touched (by other people or certain textures). The best analogy I can think of would be like nails on a chalk board. It’s just generally unpleasant, for the most part.
So maybe that might have something to do with it…? Since of course, it’s pretty much all touching.
Maybe I’m just over-thinking things… (If that’s the case, I’ve been over-thinking this for about four years, oh good God.)
Whether it’s because I’m some kind of aromantic or asexual, or maybe I’m just scared or naive, I think I’ve just realized that I’m not really interested in a relationship (although I would at least like a first kiss, if only to say I got it out of the way). I mean, I have plenty of other things to worry about, anyway.
I get lonely sure, and I’m scared of being alone, but I don’t think I need to get married or anything. Contrariwise, it sounds like a wonderful thing, to have someone till death do you part. Kinda like my parents. (Hell, they’re being buried in the same urn with their ashes mixed together, they’ve decided, so that they’re together even after death.)
It sounds kind of silly to be confused about this. I can’t even tell someone if I think someone is attractive or good-looking; it just make sense to me, quite honestly. If nothing else, I’m more attracted to one’s personality/smarts. Because really, what is “attractive?” Aesthetics, I get. I look at just about everything and everyone like a composition, a work of art. The way one’s clothes relate to his/her body, not because “dayum you fine” but more like “woah, look at how that’s arranged.” Um, how do I explain…?
It’s a lukewarm sort of feeling. Not quite empty, but…
I’m just… fine.
I think so, anyway.