Legit questions, do not spam the fuck out of me with hate.
Okay, so when I go into the asexual tag, I often see long posts where an asexual will explain that they don’t desire sex, but if they love so-and-so, they will compromise and have sex with them. I also see posts where people express extreme revulsion at anything involving sex. So here are my questions. The last one is less specific than the others. I’d appreciate people responding with answers to one or more of them.
- Don’t some of you sometimes thing that this whole notion of compromise is kind of bad? If you don’t want to have sex at all, but you have sex with someone anyway to make them happy, how is that a healthy relationship? If someone loves you back, won’t they sacrifice for you? I guess that’s a cyclical question because the whole compromise idea is one of sacrificing something for the person you love. But for some reason it seems very unhealthy to disregard your orientation and so something sexually you don’t want to do. It makes a lot more sense for them to give up sex. They don’t have to act outside of their identity in order to do that.
- How do you know that, if the very idea of sex repulses you, a) something didn’t happen to you b) you don’t have a phobia? If either of these things is true, I don’t know that you’re asexual so much as in need of therapy.
- Doesn’t one momentary sexual urge make you… not asexual anymore? Or is it more consistency-based, like how someone can be a lesbian but still attracted to a certain man?
You actually seem to want to understand, so you shouldn’t be hated on for asking questions. c: First off, you don’t seem to understand what asexuality is. It’s not not wanting to have sex, it’s not being sexually attracted to anyone. Some asexuals do engage in and enjoy sex. Attraction is not behavior.
- Compromise is a very personal thing for asexuals and their partners. And again, asexuality isn’t not wanting sex, but just not being attracted to their partner. Sometimes asexuals want sex, some are indifferent to sex, and some are aversive or repulsed by sex. It’s not for everyone, and you’re right, if an asexual is uncomfortable with sex and compromises even though they are sex repulsed or averse, it might not be healthy. But it’s different for all asexuals. Not all asexuals compromise for their partners. But compromise isn’t inherently problematic or unhealthy. It all depends on what the asexual is comfortable with.
- That is always a problematic assumption. It’s akin to asking a homosexual if they are homosexual because someone of the opposite sex assaulted them. It’s not good to imply that people are their orientation because of psychological issues. It’s not unhealthy to not desire sex. And sex repulsion isn’t inherently an asexual issue, anyone of any orientation can be sex repulsed. There are plenty of sex repulsed asexuals who are perfectly healthy. There can be some who do have those issues, and that’s unfortunate, but that also wouldn’t invalidate their asexuality. Again, it has to do with attraction, not behavior.
- Assuming you mean sexual urge as in attracted to someone, I think it depends on what that person feels fits them the most. I personally think that if you feel sexual attraction once among a lifetime of asexuality, then you can still be asexual, because you are still predominantly asexual. I do think it’s more consistency based. There is also gray asexuality, if you feel sexual attraction, but not all the time/very often. If you’re talking about wanting sex, a lot of asexuals do have a libido and do have sex, but that doesn’t mean they are not asexual. Again, it’s about attraction, not behavior.
If you have any other questions or would like me to clarify something, I’d be happy to help.
-Griff
